This material augments the 1/3/25 Wamama Glory Women's Retreat discussion.
Every now and then, you come across a person who is so good at what she does and says that she transforms your life. Tracey Cox is one of those people. She's a renowned sex and relationships expert who has authored numerous books on the subject. While some sources, such as her Amazon author page, state she has written 17 books, others, like Alibris, mention 16 worldwide bestsellers. Her first book, "Hot Sex: How to Do It," remains widely popular, and her latest, "Great Sex Starts at 50," was published in early 2020. Her insights are not just informative but life-changing. Here's a summary of her DOAC podcast—prepare to be enlightened!
1. How to Have the Best Sex of Your Life:
Understanding Desire and Satisfaction:
Women often fake orgasms because penetrative sex alone doesn’t work for most.
Only 20% of women climax through penetrative sex, whereas 80% need clitoral stimulation.
Couples tend to follow repetitive routines, leading to boredom, particularly for women.
Keeping Desire Alive:
Desire thrives on novelty, mystery, and maintaining individuality.
Being too close or too familiar (e.g., always together during COVID) kills desire.
Partners should maintain a sense of “otherness” by pursuing individual interests and experiences outside the relationship.
Seeing a partner in different environments (e.g., at work or in public) reignites attraction.
2. Sex Recession and Sexless Relationships:
There is a sex recession with more couples experiencing sexless relationships.
If a couple hasn't had sex for a year, it is highly unlikely they will resume without intervention.
Reasons for Sexlessness:
Loss of desire due to routine and predictability.
Women get bored faster than men because they don’t receive orgasms as rewards from penetrative sex.
Close friendships with partners can lead to seeing them as non-sexual companions.
3. Women Get Bored Faster than Men:
Monogamy is more challenging for women because they require varied, erotic, and engaging experiences.
Men are generally content with repetitive sex routines due to the orgasmic reward.
Women lose interest when sex is routine, unrewarding, and lacks stimulation.
To sustain female desire, sex must be interesting, varied, and tailored to women’s needs.
4. Cheating and Infidelity:
Closeness doesn’t prevent infidelity. Over-closeness can make partners feel more like siblings or best friends, reducing sexual attraction.
To prevent infidelity, maintain sexual variety and keep yourself attractive physically, intellectually, and emotionally.
Women cheat due to boredom and emotional dissatisfaction, whereas men often cheat due to sexual dissatisfaction.
5. Obligation to Stay Attractive:
Both partners have an obligation to stay attractive for each other, not just physically but also intellectually and emotionally.
It’s about being the best version of oneself, maintaining health, grooming, and a positive outlook.
Negativity and bitterness are major turn-offs, regardless of physical appearance.
6. Talking About Sex:
Communication is key: Most sex problems can be resolved by talking.
Use the “Compliment Sandwich” technique:
Start with a positive statement.
Make a specific, constructive suggestion.
End with another positive note.
Be specific and positive rather than critical:
Instead of saying, “You’re doing it wrong,” say, “I love it when you…”
Men respond better to clear, actionable feedback.
The first conversation is awkward but gets easier after the initial discomfort.
7. Giving and Receiving Feedback:
Positive framing is crucial. Focus on what feels good rather than what isn’t working.
Timing of Feedback:
During sex: Use gentle guidance and positive reinforcement.
After sex: When both are relaxed, casually bring up suggestions.
Outside the bedroom: Discuss new ideas or fantasies in a non-pressure environment.
8. Women’s Orgasm and Satisfaction:
The majority of women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm.
Oral sex, fingers, or vibrators should be incorporated before penetrative sex.
She comes first: Ensure her orgasm before moving to intercourse, especially if premature ejaculation is an issue.
Routine sex kills desire, especially for women. Variety and creativity are essential.
9. Breaking Routine and Increasing Arousal:
Routine is the enemy of desire, particularly for women.
Couples should introduce novelty by trying new locations, positions, and role-plays.
Seeing partners in different environments (e.g., professional settings) increases attraction by reintroducing mystery and admiration.
10. Why Great Sex Requires an Interesting Life:
Interesting, fulfilling lives lead to better sex.
If life is monotonous, sex becomes monotonous.
Engaging in new activities, hobbies, and experiences keeps partners intellectually and emotionally stimulating for each other.
11. Why Women Lose Interest Faster:
Monotony in routine sex leads to women losing interest faster than men.
Men receive orgasmic rewards, while women don’t if sex is solely penetrative.
Variety, anticipation, and eroticism are needed to sustain women’s interest.
Women are more likely to cheat or lose interest if their sexual needs aren’t met.
12. Maintenance of Erotic Space:
Erotic privacy is crucial. Couples should keep some fantasies and desires private to maintain mystery.
Emotional separation is essential for maintaining desire; being too familiar reduces attraction.
Sexual variety and spontaneity keep the erotic space alive.
13. Overcoming Sexlessness:
Redefine sex beyond penetration to include sensual touch, playfulness, and emotional connection.
Prioritize foreplay and emotional intimacy to reconnect.
Use imagination and fantasy to rekindle excitement.
Regularly discuss sexual desires and needs openly and positively.
14. Summary of Practical Tips:
Keep Novelty Alive: Engage in new activities, try new sexual experiences, and maintain individual lives.
Communicate Openly: Use positive framing, be specific, and express desires clearly.
Maintain Attraction: Both partners should stay attractive physically, emotionally, and intellectually.
Embrace Variety: Change routines, explore fantasies, and incorporate different types of stimulation.
Make Her Orgasm a Priority: Ensure clitoral stimulation and prioritize her pleasure first.
Cultivate Erotic Space: Maintain some mystery and individuality to keep desire alive.
15. Final Takeaway:
Great sex is a result of intentional effort, continuous curiosity, and emotional presence.
Variety, mystery, and communication are essential to maintain desire and satisfaction.
Relationships require continuous growth and exploration to sustain sexual attraction and emotional connection.
Summary of Tracey Cox on Sex, Relationships, and the "Sex Recession
1. Variety and Compromise in Sexual Requests:
When a partner requests something new (e.g., outdoor sex), it’s often a request for variety.
If uncomfortable, suggest an alternative ("That’s not my thing, but how about X?").
Meeting halfway can maintain interest, e.g., role-playing or attending a lap dance club instead of a full threesome.
In extreme cases (e.g., fetishes), some couples manage by allowing the partner to see a sex worker.
2. The Issue of Sexless Relationships:
Many people, including young couples in their 30s, are in sexless relationships, leading to frustration, potential cheating, or breakups.
Sexlessness often arises because the sex on offer is not engaging or because of underlying psychological issues (e.g., trauma, fear of abandonment).
Rebuilding a sexual connection often involves creating safety and open communication.
3. Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire:
Spontaneous Desire: Primarily seen in two-thirds of men, it is the urge to seek sex from stimuli (e.g., seeing something arousing).
Responsive Desire: Common in 30% of women, where arousal begins only after sexual activity starts.
Many women need time to warm up, and foreplay is not a luxury but a necessity to make sex enjoyable.
4. How Routine Kills Women's Desire:
Women require more interesting and erotic sex to remain engaged.
Routine sex, especially without orgasm or stimulation, leads to boredom and reduced libido.
Women’s libido often fades in long-term relationships if sex is not varied and engaging.
5. Overcoming Sexlessness:
Couples who haven’t had sex for a year are unlikely to resume without direct confrontation.
Start with small, bite-sized sexual experiences, like snogging, oral sex, or shared baths, to rebuild intimacy.
Avoid setting expectations for "marathon" sex sessions; instead, focus on little moments of connection.
6. The Role of Porn:
Porn has shifted from being a sexual aid to promoting unrealistic and aggressive sexual expectations (e.g., choking, slapping).
Young people may internalize these behaviors as the norm, leading to misaligned expectations in real-life sex.
Excessive porn use may contribute to the "sex recession", as individuals find it easier than real-world intimacy.
7. The 'Sex Recession':
There is a decline in sexual activity, influenced by social media, streaming, and smartphone usage.
People are increasingly choosing entertainment and online interactions over physical intimacy.
In Japan, a significant percentage of people reach their 30s as virgins, indicating a growing trend of sexlessness.
8. The Rise of AI Sex Robots:
AI sex robots could offer companionship and pleasure to lonely individuals, but also risk reducing human intimacy.
There is a potential future where AI partners replace human relationships, impacting population growth and social dynamics.
AI sex robots could provide unconditional support, but may ultimately make real-life partners seem less appealing.
9. Shifting Trends in Female Sexuality:
Modern women are increasingly bi-curious, interested in polyamory, and open to erotic, adventurous sex.
The motivation for affairs has changed:
Men now often seek love and affection.
Women increasingly seek erotic experiences and selfish sex.
Women are challenging the norm of having sex only to please men, aiming for mutual satisfaction and honesty.
10. Improving Sexual Confidence and Body Image:
Body image issues are the biggest barrier to women’s sexual enjoyment.
Confidence can be boosted by having sex more often, as positive experiences create subconscious affirmation.
Exercise and focusing on sexual skills also help improve sexual self-esteem.
11. Practical Tips for Boosting Sexual Self-Esteem:
Initiate sex to feel powerful and break the dynamic of being the "receiver" of sex.
Be clear and obvious when initiating, as subtle hints may be missed.
Match your initiation style to your partner's sexual desire type (spontaneous vs. responsive).
12. Why Sex Doesn’t Take Care of Itself:
Good sex requires effort, much like any other part of life (e.g., cooking, career).
The myth of effortless sex (as portrayed in movies) can create unrealistic expectations.
Continuous learning, open conversations, and trying new things are crucial for maintaining a healthy sex life.
13. Orgasm Discrepancies:
Men often orgasm during sex, while many women do not.
Using a vibrator can help bridge the orgasm gap, as most women can climax within three minutes with vibration.
Couples should view vibrators as tools for shared pleasure, not as competition or "cheating" orgasms.
14. Communication is Key:
The most important step in resolving sexual issues is talking about sex openly and without judgment.
Couples should use positive framing and specific feedback to improve their sex lives.
The first conversation is the hardest, but it gets easier over time.
15. The Ultimate Takeaway:
Routine kills desire, particularly for women.
Great sex requires intentional effort, variety, and communication.
Addressing body image issues, learning about responsive desire, and being open to new experiences can transform a sexless relationship into a thriving sexual partnership.
Tracey Cox on Long-Term Relationships, Sexless Marriages, and Libido Dynamics
1. Unrealistic Expectations About Long-Term Passion:
Many people mistakenly believe that the intense passion at the start of a relationship should last forever.
The initial "hot sex" phase is driven by sex and love hormones, which naturally decline after about two years.
Maintaining that early-level excitement would require constantly swapping partners, which isn't practical or emotionally fulfilling for most people.
Long-term relationships can still have great sex, but it won’t be the same as the initial hormone-fueled passion.
2. Why People Leave Good Relationships:
People end good relationships searching for the initial spark they felt at the start, not realizing that no partner can sustain that indefinitely.
Understanding that passion naturally evolves can prevent unnecessary breakups.
3. Sexless Relationships and Happiness:
A sexless relationship isn't always an unhappy one.
Happiness depends on whether both partners are content with the amount of sex they're having.
Couples with low libidos on both sides can be perfectly happy with little to no sex.
Danger arises when one partner wants more sex and the other doesn’t, leading to frustration, resentment, or infidelity.
4. Redefining Sexless Relationships:
Previously, a sexless relationship was defined as less than 10 times a year.
Now, it’s considered sexless if no sex happens in a year.
Low sex frequency doesn’t automatically mean sexless or unhappy. It depends on the couple’s dynamic and life stage (e.g., young children, menopause).
5. Importance of Communication:
The biggest risk in sexless relationships is not talking about it.
Couples need to discuss their needs and redefine intimacy if necessary.
It can be as simple as saying, “We don’t have sex much anymore. Does it bother you?” – the conversation itself maintains connection.
6. Affection Without Sex:
In sexless relationships, physical affection (e.g., hugging, cuddling) is crucial to maintain emotional closeness.
Without affection, couples risk becoming more like roommates than romantic partners.
7. When to Walk Away:
If one partner wants more sex and the other refuses to work on it, it can be grounds for leaving.
However, don’t leave too soon:
Explore why the sex stopped (e.g., trauma, low libido, relationship dynamics).
Seek solutions such as sensate focus exercises or sexual therapy.
If a partner refuses sex and won’t allow alternatives (e.g., self-pleasure, open relationship), it can be a deal-breaker.
8. The Impact of Porn on Libido and Expectations:
Porn use can create unrealistic sexual expectations, especially around performance and aggression.
Young men may feel pressured to perform like porn stars, leading to performance anxiety.
Viagra misuse among young men is rising due to performance pressure, leading to dependency issues.
Choking and aggression are becoming normalized in porn, leading to distorted sexual norms.
9. The "Sex Recession":
There’s a global decline in sex due to:
Digital distractions (social media, streaming).
Reduced face-to-face interaction, leading to social anxiety and fear of intimacy.
Virtual relationships (AI companions, porn) reducing the need for real-world partners.
10. The Rise of AI Sex Robots:
AI sex robots offer companionship and sexual gratification without emotional complexity.
They present benefits for lonely people but risks for societal intimacy, as they can replace human connection.
Long-term consequences could include population decline and reduced social skills.
11. Changing Female Sexuality and Affair Dynamics:
Women today are more sexually adventurous and open to bi-curiosity, polyamory, and erotic experiences.
The motivation for affairs has shifted:
Men now often seek emotional connection and love.
Women seek erotic, selfish sex that prioritizes their pleasure.
12. Libido Dynamics Over Time:
Women’s libido is often responsive, not spontaneous. Desire builds during sexual activity, rather than before.
Men’s libido is usually spontaneous, driven by visual or mental stimuli.
Monogamy challenges sex drive because the novelty wears off, but it enhances emotional security.
13. Improving Sexual Confidence and Body Image:
Body image issues are the biggest barrier to women’s sexual enjoyment.
Confidence can be boosted by having sex more often, as positive experiences create subconscious affirmation.
Exercise and focusing on sexual skills also help improve sexual self-esteem.
14. Solutions for Long-Term Sexual Satisfaction:
Keep having sex – Use it or lose it. Small, consistent sexual interactions maintain intimacy.
Redefine sex to include non-penetrative activities, like sensual touch, oral sex, or shared baths.
Address physical issues:
For women: Vaginal dryness can be managed with vaginal moisturizers or estrogen pessaries.
For men: Erectile issues can be managed with Viagra, but communication about expectations and pressures is crucial.
15. Maintaining Desire in Long-Term Relationships:
Variety and novelty are key. Introduce new experiences without pressure.
Erotic fantasies, role-playing, and using sex toys can enhance interest.
Initiating sex boosts confidence and changes dynamics, breaking the routine.
Understand and respect each other’s desire types (spontaneous vs. responsive) for better initiation.
16. Redefining Monogamy and Relationship Structures:
Monogamy isn’t natural for sex but provides emotional security and social stability.
Polyamory or open relationships work for some but require emotional maturity and clear communication.
It’s about choosing the right trade-offs for personal fulfillment and relationship health.
17. Closing Thoughts:
Sex and intimacy are vital for relationship happiness and longevity.
Great sex requires effort, education, and communication.
Manage expectations and embrace evolution in desire rather than searching for the early-relationship spark.
Emotional connection and physical affection are key to maintaining long-term relationship satisfaction.
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